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Glammy describes herself as "...a woman over fifty." Well, that she is ... indeed. Glammy lives for your questions (and comments). You may submit a question by clicking here.
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Ask Glammy for July, 2010
Dear Glammy,
I’ve met an interesting man, but after a few dates and a great night in bed, he said what he really wanted out of this relationship was sex on Wednesday nights and nothing else. Is that weird?
-- Wants more
Dear Wants,
Oh my! An OCD commitment-avoidant control freak! Not that Glammy would judge anybody. Anyway, this is not actually weird, but if you are looking for a meaningful relationship, he ain’t the guy.
Still, once we are past our hormone-pulsing, bridal-fantasy, babymaking years, the process of re-mating can take a variety of colorful patterns. Yes, there are people Our Age who go the benefits-only route you describe. And there are those who do the friends-only, same-sex only, travel-only, polyamorous-only, maybe even goats-only, for all I know.
So, if you’re game for sex-only, that is fine and not weird. But I would test his flexibility. Meaning, can you switch to Tuesday or Thursday some weeks?
Dear Glammy,
I’m supposed to be having a happy second half of life but I’m really not. As I look at my past, which is so much longer than my future, I feel real pain about all the terrible things people have done to me, like divorce me, fire me, mug me, insult me. One total stranger even hit me with his car once, for no good reason. How can I go on?
-- Blue in Boise
Dear Blue,
Gee whiz! I would probably hit you with a car too, and with very good reason. But never mind. What you have here is a case of painful hindsight caused by people who, you believe, made unilateral decisions to ruin your life. Au contraire, my poor puppy, those evildoers were all just doing what they thought was the right thing at the time, no matter how dismally wrong they may have been. (Except the wacky driver: that was not thought-out.)
I hate to drag you down any further, but you, dear victim, are doing all the flagellating. A lot of these people have forgotten all about you, but you are keeping the pain alive by giving this stuff space in your brain. Fuggetaboudit. Next time that victim thing comes up, put it in your mental garbage bag and throw it out. Then look for ways to have more fun with the rest of your life, because none of that stuff exists anymore, anyway.
Dear Glammy,
My 23-year-old son finally moved out of the house and into the next time zone. But he never calls me, and he doesn’t answer my phone messages. What should I do?
-- Ignored
Dear Ignored,
Tell me about it. Glammy once had this very same problem! Here’s how she soothed her soul. First, the time zone could be a problem. It only compounds the alternate sleep universes between Us and Them. He probably wakes up about the same time he thinks you go to bed. Give him some guidance on this.
Second, you nurtured and fussed over this boy and thought about his fabulous future every time you changed his diapers, drove him to soccer, or bailed him out of jail. You have this really vested interest in how he’s doing, and how he’s turning out. He’s like, your product. Well, among other things.
He, however, does not feel the same way about you. He thinks of you the way you think of your best friend way back in high school. You’ve got fond memories of those long ago days when you hung out together a lot, but now you don’t anymore, and you think about her fairly often but only call her once a year. But this is no excuse. He owes you communication and respect. (See diapers, soccer, jail, above.)
So first of all, ditch the phone. Nobody uses telephones anymore, but if you must, don’t leave a message, because kids no longer listen to messages. His phone will tell him you called, then hung up, thus very subtly injecting an itchy feeling of guilt into his day.
You could e-mail him, but even that’s so 2004. The very best way to reach somebody between 13 and 40 is to text him. Sharpen those thumbs. It takes a bit of practice, but soon you’ll realize the virtues: it’s fast, portable, silent, does not demand punctuation or grammar, you can put little emoticons in, and create template messages such as “Do you live and breathe?” which you can activate with the touch of a single key. Genius!
Yes, it’s a lot of effort when you feel you shouldn’t have to bend over backwards to elicit attention at all. But someday he’ll have a son who won’t call him, either.
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